TheCreatrix's Xanga

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 23:13:13 GMT

It is time once again for yet another invention of The Creatrix. You've seen the Severely Altered Story Hour, and the all-infamous Phobia of the Day--now I shall introduce The Creatrix's Inventive Machine Minute. The following scripts are for use on answering machine messages, if you couldn't already ascertain from the title. Anyone who is feeling ambitious is free to use these on their own answering machines--my only request is that you let me know so I can call you and laugh at it.

Inventive Message Minute #1:
The War Against Sir Jakesalot

*for this message, one should have recordings of war explosions, screams, and gunfire to be played in the background.*

*war sounds begin* Gamma team, cover us, cover us, they're attacking our flanks!!
Sorry, but I can't answer the phone right now; I'm helping out in the battle against the evil Sir Jakesalot. *explosions intensify* Yikes! I can't talk long, but I'll get back to you! Just leave your name and number, or call me sometime later at [contact's number] as long as we win this war! *pause* Oh, and if we happen to... well... not win this war, you can still contact me at 354 cell block B-6, Jakesalot Bastion and Penitentiary, in the United States of Jakeland! Whatever the case, catch ya later! *beep*

Inventive Message Minute #2:
The Answer That Answers Back

*for this message, one should have someone other than one's self, preferably of the opposite gender, to record this message*

Hello! *pause* I'm [contact's name]'s answering machine! *mockingly* ..Yes, yes, I know--it's not proper for an answering machine to actually respond to the caller--we're supposed to be all, *in whiny voice* "Hi, I'm generic caller! I'm not here right now, so please leave a message after the beep!" *annoyingly* BEEEP! Bah! I'll be having none of that! Besides, I know you'd rather talk to me than [contact's name], right? Right? *sigh*Yeah, that's the life of an answering machine.... Whatever.... Leave a message and I'll relay it to [contact's name]... if I feel like it. Stupid no-good callers, "I-don't-wanna-talk-to-the-answering-machine" little cheats, all they ever do is--
*beep*

Inventive Message Minute #3:
The Beep Shop

*for this message, one needs many different beeps to be played in the background, possibly even a recording of the beep of the person's individual answering machine*

*flurry of the beeps in the background* Hellooo! Yeah, sorry, I can't come to the phone right now; I'm a little too busy working on my Beep Shop. I know, I hadn't told you I own a beep shop, but I was going to tell you! Everyone laughed at me when I said I was starting a beep shop... little did they know how profits would soar once rap was invented! Oh well, their loss. Hey, leave a message after the--
*beep*
*silence*
...Oh, I'm terribly sorry. *beeps in background continue* Wrong beep. Yeah, so anyway, you've reached [contact's name] at [contact's number], so if you feel--
*beep*
*silence*
...Hey, cool, my pizza's done! One second... *beeps in background continue* *narrator continues, chewing food* So anyway, at the sound of the... er... beep, leave me a message, okay?
*beep*
But not that one.
*beep*
Probably not that one either.
*beep*
And definitely not that one.
*beep*

That's it for this week's installment of The Creatrix's Inventive Message Minutes for now, but I assure you, there are more to come.

Phobia of the week: Phonophobia- Fear of noises or voices or one's own voice; of telephones.

Feel free to invent any of your own messages, as well! Have a nice day.

~The Creatrix

*beep*

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Sat, 26 Nov 2005 19:07:44 GMT

WARNING!

As of 1:22 pm, November 26th, 2005, operatives at TheCreatrix have sent out a Most Wanted warning. There is a man at large whose plot to take over the world threatens us all. As such, TheCreatrix believes it is his duty to educate the public about this dangerous man and the threat he serves to both our nation and the world. A cash prize of 100,000 pennies will be awarded to the person who can apprehend this fiend, who has an entire network of impersonators as to avoid being caught.

His name... is Santa Claus.

Here is the list of treasons the man has committed:

1. The man lives in the secluded wastelands of the North Pole. Clearly he has reason to hide, and clearly he has done deeds so dastardly that even the Russian mafia, the Japanese Yakuza, and the Sir Jakesalot gang cannot trust him to be within their clans. What has he done to be banished to the arctic wasteland? We need only look at his vehicle of wrongdoing to understand his potential. The man claims to visit all good Gentile children of the world simply to give presents. Realize, however, that there are only 12 hours in a night, and even if he surfs along the time zone changes, he needs alternative means to do this in one night. Clearly, the man has nuclear capabilities in his sleigh in order to power the massive amounts of energy needed to fly so quickly. Though George Bush has yet to realize this, Santa Claus has weapons of mass destruction.

...But why would Santa Claus need nuclear weaponry?

2. The man claims he knows when you are "naughty or nice". As such, it is clear he has rigged every home in the world with a large network of covert cameras and microphones, monitoring our every move. This, coupled with the proof of the man's nuclear capabilities, is sharply akin to the actions of a dictator. Because of this, we can determine that Santa Claus indeed intends to take over the world.

...But how would he, despite his powerful weaponry and intricate spy network, be able to take over the world by himself?

3. The problem with this is that he is not alone. In his arctic stronghold, he has an innumerable army of what he calls "elves". These "elves" are humanoid beings. They are very short in comparison to a normal human, and their work ethic exceeds that of a robot's. Their unassuming name, however, hides a dark interior truth: that in Santa Claus's attempts to create his nuclear weapons, he has created his own race of genetically altered humans to do his bidding. They have been brainwashed into clone-like status, being forced to wear the same clothes and losing their very identities. These "elves" must be nothing more than human slaves that Santa has taken, who through the effects of radiation and brainwashing have come to respect his every bidding. Creating such menial things as toys only strengthens Santa's grasp on the "elves's" minds, numbing them from any form of free will until he can even tell them to take over the world. On a related note, the pinnacle of his creations, a reindeer he calls Rudolf, has a glowing red nose. Though he claims this is to help him guide his sleigh, it is clear Rudolf is only the aftermath of the radiation experiments Santa did when creating his nuclear weaponry.

...Okay, so Santa has the weapons, the reconnaissance, and the army. But even he cannot avoid financial obligations.The man's completely cut off from anything else in the world--how does he fund his war machine?

Therein lies the sick genius of the man. Let us first review--Santa Claus created nuclear weaponry. In his experiments to invent nuclear weaponry, he created a genetically mutated race of humanoids called "elves". Using his brainwashing techniques, he forces the "elves" to wear same clothes and work on toys all day and night. This technique makes it possible for him to order the "elves" to do anything he wants, including taking over the world.... And what better way to gain the trust of the rest of the world than to give the excess, the presents, to little children pretending it is from the goodness of his heart? Once distributing his "elves'" toys to the children, he uses his spy network to watch the children to find the opportune moment that he has gained their entire trust... but during his distribution, he steals away cookies and milk that the children expect he is to partake from. It is obvious that one man, no matter how big-boned, cannot eat all those cookies and drink all that milk. What, then, does he do? He takes these cookies and milk. He uses the milk to feed his "elves" and reindeer, and gives the cookies to the "elves," instructing them to resell them to the world. These "elves" thusly run their own cookie company to fuel Santa's war machine. This company's name is Nabisco. The "elves" portrayed in the marketing are nothing more than the brainwashed mutated humans Santa employs to pool financial wealth!

WARNING! To avoid allowing this brutal man from spreading his wrath cross the known world, we must band together! Do not, I repeat, do not allow Santa to gain your full trust! He is a known felon, a known harborer of weapons of mass destruction, a believer in genetic mutation, slavery, and cookie black markets! Be cautious! He is considered armed and dangerous and legged! With this, I have shown you exactly how and why Santa is fully capable of taking over the world.

~TheCreatrix

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 01:18:25 GMT

i havent postd her in soooooooooo long its crazy

wat up wtih my life u ask well not much

i gots me a carere change, tho.... i not gon be in music no mor. i no my english teachers r gonna kik me for dis but im gon to be an english major

whoda thunk

i gon right good 4 life

...

*ahem* For those of you who didn't understand that nonsensical prattle I just spewed, I have just decided I'm not going into music industry after all, or rather music at all. After a rather long thought process that is still rather going, I've stepped back from the idea of going into music and have hearkened to the plan of English. Who would have guessed? Yes, I discovered now that there's one major I can take that just happens to cover the broad range of things I would want to do in an English-related career, English with an emphasis in Writing. The very reason I hadn't originally gone with English was my doubt in choosing just one emphasis, but with this one major I can do tutoring, editing, publishing, creative writing, and potentially teaching, all things I have no qualms doing. *woop!*
Shoulda known, really, that that was going to happen, eh? Haha....

Oh no! I'm delving into sappy personal stories again! Quick, quick, get the disinfectant!

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia - fear of long words

....(you gotta be kiddin' me)

~Creatrix

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 04:46:17 GMT

So I felt it was due time for some... house cleaning, shall we say. The dust mites that had been collecting behind Jake's ears are now cleaned away, and I am pleased to report that the bipolar plot, which until present had been sulking madly in that corner over there *points ambiguously*, has now been taken to rehab. Joy.

No new Creatrix news on which to report, except perhaps for the fact that there is news of having no news on which to report, which would mean there truly is news on which to report, were it not for the fact that the only news on which to report has already been reported, which altogether leads back to the original purpose of this paragraph, which was, indeed, to report that there is no new news on which to report. Have a nice day.

~TheCreatrix

Metathesiophobia--fear of changes

I have been a member of Xanga for 411 days. Good heavens.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 01:50:15 GMT

Conversation that happened to a hapless person who knew not of my middle age crisis:
(ps. names have been removed to hide identities)
(pps. I'm the one without italics)
(ppps. Someone arrest pps for ruining ps's job)

u fall asleep??

Yup. That's why I'm talking to you.

well u hadnt said anything for awhile

Neither had you, really

yeah i suppose

It's one of those things; don't eat kill the dog if it ain't biting you.

Sorry, I only meant *kill, not eat and kill.

um....u eat dog

I just said, I only meant kill.

But then again, they do it in the Phillipines; can it be that bad?

o ok
maybe they dont have some animals we do so there substituting

So you're saying what we're doing is the right way, and everybody else just substitutes because they don't have what we do?

yeah pretty much
jk

I don't think they're substituting. That's just the way they roll.

yeah i know
well i dont think they rool
roll

Oh fine. That's the way they ingest sustenance, then.

ok thats better

Should I use all big words, then, and no slang?

fine then ill talk like a guy from the 1700's or sumthin
so ha

Verily, lad, wherefore hath thy minde strayede? Thou know not to whom thy speatheth!
Shant thine very soul, in thy earthly fortunes, know, in sooth, that thou art not the only being upon this land that speaks such tongue?

does thou want meith to strikeith thee across thy face

It stands beyond mine owne comprehension how thou can such assume that thou challenge mine capacity to speaketh the native tongue of our fathers! Thou art an insult, a very disgrace, to the language!
My dear lad, take well this advice--challenge not if thou canst stand the very winds of challenge herself!

k u win
i need some practice

Thine humility warrants thy forgiveness, my dear sir, though I stand in belief that it shall taketh more than practice to acquire such dialect.
M'lad, be frank with he to whom thou speak... Did thou, in thy haste ways, expect such response?

True as that be, I speakth in this tounge better aloud rather than if i beith online
but i think u would still win

I thank thee for thy respect. Verily, for thy humbleness, I shalt speak mine tongue no longer.

no i didnt expect u to anser like that

But really, like I said.... Watch who you challenge Olde English.
All in good fun, lad. Oh, sorry...

(pppps. While ps and ppps are attempting to lynch pps for revealing TheCreatrix's blatantly apparent role in the previous comment, both pppps and TheCreatrix himself wish to note that neither means any insult to the person with whom Creatrix held this conversation (hence the blockage of identity). The previous is posted more so because it is a middle age crisis event than anything.)

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Sat, 10 Sep 2005 04:00:07 GMT

I feel... inspired? Yes, inspired would be the word. Inspired to write tales, write plays, write music, write poems... But here's the problem; I'm feeling it all at once. Methinks it's fault of all the emotions I've been facing lately coupled with all the creative things I've been forced to do lately. See, I've just begun violin lessons, and have been picking up on it surprisingly well. 2 Creatrix points toward the basket of feeling-inspired there. I've also been taking piano lessons, which are forcing me to learn sight reading and scales. 3 points in the basket now. Let us not forget each one of these requires an hour of practice each day... (3 more points). Music theory, I dare not get started; I'm learning more in a week than I learned about music in months. 1.5 Creatrix point(s) there. And then I have speech, which requires me to speak, which requires me to write what I'm going to speak.... A 2-pointer. Then, Composition, where I have to write an essay. Not only that, a personal essay! Not only that, a descriptive personal essay! 5 Creatrix points and a cookie for that one.
Then comes the emotions. Through work, school, and other various things, I've had a few recurring emotions running through me. One is sporatic depression, which always evokes inspiration. 2 points here. Another is the reflectiveness evoked from the personal essay. 3 points there. Last is unwarranted happiness, which sure as cake evokes inspiration. 4 points everywhere.
...Long story short, I want to create something. Short story shorter, this log won't fix that. Shorter story stretched back out into a distorted mess, I don't know what exactly I should create, because I'm having the influences that inspire me for everything, from music, to story-writing, to poetry.... Blah. Thusly, I send out a request for anyone else to request what I should create out of any of the arts. Got any opinions? Let fly, and we'll see what happens.
   ...And do be quick about it. If I don't focus my thoughts, I fear I shall end up writing an orchestral play/musical that tells a poetic story of a painter accompanied by interpretive mop dancing.
*EDIT @ 12:03 pm, (three minutes after posting): by the way, that's 25.5 Creatrix points for the taking*

Yet another Creatrix theme is born today: TheCreatrix's Disconjunction Rules. This new segment is simple--you know how your parents always give you rules of life? I have an interpretation of an entirely new set of rules.... In this, I shall explain to you two very unrelated things that one, in every day life, is perfectly allowed to do. However, you will quickly realize that one should not do these in conjuction with one another. This first one is a disconjuction rule I learned myself....

Do NOT do these two things:

   *Skip lunch repeatedly for a period of a few days.
   *Work at a bakery.

There you have it. G'day.

Phobia of the Day: Cibophobia--fear of food.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Mon, 08 Aug 2005 23:39:06 GMT

My, my... I haven't updated in this thing for a while. Perhaps it's because I've been rather bored out of my wits lately having to work! But no matter; I find my own little ways of keeping entertained.... Here, I'll explain.

Time for another lively installment of TheCreatrix's Severely Altered Story Hour!

*yay...*

Here's the truth for you, be it a broken one.

The co-workers at my work, the only life I seem to have lately, have been reprimanded by my actions. Needless to say, they are in a sense disgruntled. How disgruntled? I cannot be the judge, but I do know that because of these reprimands, they have wanted every day now for me to leave the bakery. My name has been circled--every day now for the past week--on a chart that the superiors give to the bakers. This whole "circle-the-name-on-a-chart" seems reminiscent of the Days of Olde, when yon whining lads and lasses would verily get their goode names upon thy board, whereupon they would get a bloody-red check mark upon their names. *ahem* Sorry, Middle Age crisis again....

Anyway, here's the *real* story behind that. Trust me, the truth is just as strange as the half-truth....
One of the bakery clerks approached me today, and told me that every day for the past week now, she has been spoken to by the managers, who have circled my name on the list of workers in the bakery that she sees. The purpose of the circle is simple, really. The reason she has been reprimanded is... *fancy drum roll* I haven't been taking breaks. In all seriousness, apparently it is necessary, if a person works alone for more than three hours, to take a fifteen-minute break. I swear, never would I have thought I'd be spoken to about working too much.... So, the time rolled around that I'd been there for more than three hours--fifteen minutes more, to be exact--and today I found myself done for the day. Yet, I *had* to take this fifteen minute break, lest my co-workers enjoy seeing my name circled all the more. Because of this, I took said fifteen-minute paid break by loitering in the "ethnic foods" aisle of the grocery store, returned to said bakery, wiped extraneous objects down with soapy water for a half an hour, and finally closed up shop and left. Hey, it was required.... Because I'm required to take a break, I put in an extra 45 minutes today. Joy!

I've been running out of things to do lately to keep my mind working back there in the bakery. One can only claim penguin-sightings before the others start to do it too, and that just gets disturbing.... So today I invented a new thing to do. Since the other bakery clean-up isn't here to mock me, I turned the radio to classical and, while mopping the floor, I made up a slow dance with the mop. I still got the floor mopped in the time I normally do... but I find now that dancing, at least organized dancing, is kind of fun. Even if it *is* only with a mop. Anyone want me to show them my mopping waltz? It'd be interesting to see how well it works (or doesn't work) with another person.
Ha! But never in a million nanoseconds would I have stopped to think I'd ever admit finding fun in something like that.

*correction: I'm referring to having fun dancing, not having fun with mop*

Phobia of the day--Chorophobia: fear of dancing

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 21:46:17 GMT

Okay, so this new entry isn't even really any new deep thought, but instead a deep update on two other entries I did earlier.

1) I must admit, until recently I hadn't even checked what the subject matter of the book was that I have stolen from a government building (a.k.a. forgotten to bring back to the school library). For those of you who know me at all, this may entertain you: the title of the book was "The Middle Ages." Hm.... Now how would I have ended up with that?

2) As I emerged from the freezer the other day at work, fully prepared to explain the recent developments with the penguins, I was shocked to silence to find, quite complacently, a box that has been sitting near the freezer all this time... it's filled with donut glaze, and the brand name is none other than "Penguin." By golly, I was actually right when I claimed there to be penguins! Another theory gone proven.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 22:13:36 GMT

TheCreatrix's Top Ten Things to Do to Keep Entertained at Work.

10. Happily greet every co-worker when you arrive, and happily give farewells when you leave, all for no apparent reason.
9. Explain whilst mopping the floor that you've made up a Mopping Song, and proceed to explain the lyrics.
8. Prove to a co-worker that your hands turn blood red when put in hot water, deathly white when you emerge from the freezer.
7. Deem it your life purpose to make the one person laugh who hasn't once in the month that you've known him.
6. Explain very sincerely that, despite popular belief, the dishwasher really doesn't seem all that smelly.
5. Show unwarranted happiness and self-accomplishment when taking out the trash.
4. Take out the trash simply to get to push the cool little button that crushes all the cardboard boxes.
3. Describe very thoroughly to your co-workers that music genre exists that is called ghetto country.
2. Make people paranoid you might do something nice to them.
1. Emerge from the freezer claiming you saw penguins.

*disclaimer: because of circumstances within TheCreatrix's job, the preceding list may not effectively work within your own workplace. Take one list daily; side effects may include abdominal pain, stomach aches, headaches, sore muscles, or back pain.

Random thought of the day: "Blast it all, my mind's a bloody radio...."

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 16:00:13 GMT

Welcome, all, to the monthly installment of TheCreatrix's Severely Altered Story Hour. I'm sure you all still vaguely remember the last installment of this, when I explained how I received a gash above my eyebrow while at a gym.... It is time again to prove how one can lie by telling nothing but truths by simply putting the truths in a certain bias and order.

I am a fugitive in hiding. Not so that the police know about it, but one might very well assume I'm just being quick and presumptuous about it. Why do I deserve to be wanted by a higher authority?

I have robbed a government building.

I mean sure, you'd have expected my former school to warn me that I hadn't returned that library book. They had warned everyone else, and had I known I needed to return it, I'd have expended the effort to find it. And would have, too; 'twould have been the last place I would have looked in order to find it. Of course, that last place would have been the first.

And sure, you'd have expected me to respond to my nagging subconscious telling me I hadn't returned all my books. Heck, if I did that all the time, I'd be psychic.

But no... Here I am, and within my possession is a library book that is not my own and is surely severely overdue. See? I have stolen. Every right to be a fugitive!

You'd expect me to be a good little boy and return the book, right? Well, it just so happens that just yesterday I jumped the border, and am now two states away from my hometown. With luck, I may even get farther. Let me tell you, there was a slight altercation with the authorities when I reached Minneapolis, but they didn't know my past; they let me free, and now I'm in a state I've never been in before....

See? Fugitive on the run.

Funny how a little rewording affects the whole story, eh?