1. The man lives in the secluded wastelands of the North Pole. Clearly he has reason to hide, and clearly he has done deeds so dastardly that even the Russian mafia, the Japanese Yakuza, and the Sir Jakesalot gang cannot trust him to be within their clans. What has he done to be banished to the arctic wasteland? We need only look at his vehicle of wrongdoing to understand his potential. The man claims to visit all good Gentile children of the world simply to give presents. Realize, however, that there are only 12 hours in a night, and even if he surfs along the time zone changes, he needs alternative means to do this in one night. Clearly, the man has nuclear capabilities in his sleigh in order to power the massive amounts of energy needed to fly so quickly. Though George Bush has yet to realize this, Santa Claus has weapons of mass destruction.

...But why would Santa Claus need nuclear weaponry?

2. The man claims he knows when you are "naughty or nice". As such, it is clear he has rigged every home in the world with a large network of covert cameras and microphones, monitoring our every move. This, coupled with the proof of the man's nuclear capabilities, is sharply akin to the actions of a dictator. Because of this, we can determine that Santa Claus indeed intends to take over the world.

...But how would he, despite his powerful weaponry and intricate spy network, be able to take over the world by himself?

3. The problem with this is that he is not alone. In his arctic stronghold, he has an innumerable army of what he calls "elves". These "elves" are humanoid beings. They are very short in comparison to a normal human, and their work ethic exceeds that of a robot's. Their unassuming name, however, hides a dark interior truth: that in Santa Claus's attempts to create his nuclear weapons, he has created his own race of genetically altered humans to do his bidding. They have been brainwashed into clone-like status, being forced to wear the same clothes and losing their very identities. These "elves" must be nothing more than human slaves that Santa has taken, who through the effects of radiation and brainwashing have come to respect his every bidding. Creating such menial things as toys only strengthens Santa's grasp on the "elves's" minds, numbing them from any form of free will until he can even tell them to take over the world. On a related note, the pinnacle of his creations, a reindeer he calls Rudolf, has a glowing red nose. Though he claims this is to help him guide his sleigh, it is clear Rudolf is only the aftermath of the radiation experiments Santa did when creating his nuclear weaponry.

...Okay, so Santa has the weapons, the reconnaissance, and the army. But even he cannot avoid financial obligations.The man's completely cut off from anything else in the world--how does he fund his war machine?

Therein lies the sick genius of the man. Let us first review--Santa Claus created nuclear weaponry. In his experiments to invent nuclear weaponry, he created a genetically mutated race of humanoids called "elves". Using his brainwashing techniques, he forces the "elves" to wear same clothes and work on toys all day and night. This technique makes it possible for him to order the "elves" to do anything he wants, including taking over the world.... And what better way to gain the trust of the rest of the world than to give the excess, the presents, to little children pretending it is from the goodness of his heart? Once distributing his "elves'" toys to the children, he uses his spy network to watch the children to find the opportune moment that he has gained their entire trust... but during his distribution, he steals away cookies and milk that the children expect he is to partake from. It is obvious that one man, no matter how big-boned, cannot eat all those cookies and drink all that milk. What, then, does he do? He takes these cookies and milk. He uses the milk to feed his "elves" and reindeer, and gives the cookies to the "elves," instructing them to resell them to the world. These "elves" thusly run their own cookie company to fuel Santa's war machine. This company's name is Nabisco. The "elves" portrayed in the marketing are nothing more than the brainwashed mutated humans Santa employs to pool financial wealth!